Just about anyone’s familiar with “that feeling.” It’s the one you get when you’ve been seeing someone for a while, and everything was going perfectly… until you took things into the bedroom. Now instead of being effortlessly in sync with one another sexually the way you thought you’d be, things aren’t going so hot, and you’re left wondering what to do next.
Don’t worry. You don’t need to call it quits just yet, no matter how crucial great sex is to you. Sexual incompatibility is more common than you may realize, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your partner (or with you). Here’s a closer look at some of the more common issues, as well as a few tips for handling them like champs.
One (or both) of you has trouble reaching orgasm.
Everyone’s different when it comes to their ability to have an orgasm with a partner. Some people can do so easily, while others (especially women) might struggle more. Everyone has their own pet way to be touched or stimulated which does it for them, as well. There are even people out there who never have orgasms, even by themselves. None of these things indicate a problem with the person or their partner. Ultimately, all that matters is that you’re both happy with things in this arena.
If you’re unhappy with your relationship’s orgasm situation, fixing the issue starts with honest communication. Put your heads together and come up with some ways to shake things up. For instance, toys make it much easier to have orgasms consistently, and they make incredible additions to your partnered sex life. Try using one together and seeing what happens.
One of you values sex more than the other.
No two people are alike when it comes to how important sex might be to them, either. Some people consider it vitally important, while someone else might be able to take it or leave it. Still, more people are closer to the asexual end of the spectrum and don’t much like sex at all, even if they do very much want to be in a relationship.
Again, there’s no right or wrong way to be when it comes to sex drive, so don’t jump to the conclusion that something’s wrong with one of you. Differing libidos call for compromises that work for both people, so it’s time to put your heads together and talk. Most couples deal with permanent or temporary libido differences and can settle on a mutually agreeable middle ground.
You feel compelled to do things in bed you don’t enjoy.
Everyone has things that do it for them in the bedroom and things that are total turn-offs. So, what happens when your partner’s absolute favorite sex acts are the exact same things you can’t stand doing? If you’re like a lot of people, you might feel compelled to simply go along to get along, hoping things will work themselves out, but what if that never happens?
No one should ever feel like they have to do things they’re not comfortable with just to please a partner, so it’s time to ask yourself why this is the case for you. Are you concerned that your partner will be angry if you don’t? If so, it’s time to ask yourself why you’re with them in the first place. But if you’re just eager to please them, it’s time to talk things through with your partner. They likely have no idea you feel the way you do and would be happy to change things up.
One (or both) of you are bashful about sex.
Although it might seem as if everyone is super-comfortable talking about sex almost non-stop, this is far from the case. Plenty of people are more reserved about it for any number of reasons. Some are old-fashioned and see it as a private matter not to be discussed openly. Others are merely shy and find it hard to open up on the topic, even with their partner.
Whether you have it or not, sex is an important topic when you’re in a relationship, so it’s essential to be able to discuss it comfortably with each other. Open up the lines of communication a little at a time with baby steps. In time, even the most bashful people can reach a healthy level of comfort with their sexuality. It’s their partners’ job to be patient and understanding throughout the process.
At the end of the day, compatibility issues in the bedroom are not a death sentence for a relationship. Many couples experience them at one point or another, so a solid understanding of how to work through them is a must. Communication, understanding, compromise, and compassion are the keys to getting the two of you where you’d like to be.