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How to Upgrade Your Sex Life Like a Boss This Summer

Spending more time out in the sun can raise the body’s levels of chemicals like serotonin, potentially making it easier to become aroused and stay that way. For some people, the scent of sweat can trigger an animalistic response that makes them want to get steamy and sticky more often, as well. Here are some tips for making the most of all the sexy opportunities summer might bring your way this year and help upgrade your sex life like a boss.

Experiment with temperature play.

When the temperature rises, it only makes sense that staying as cool as possible would be on your mind. So why not let the urge to stay chilly inspire you in the bedroom? Playing with temperature can be an incredible way to discover new sensations and experiment a little, with or without a partner.

Take a favorite toy in a cold-safe material like glass or stainless steel and pop it into the fridge for a few minutes before playtime for a bold, bracing new experience. Alternatively, you can add a cooling lube to your repertoire for even more polar-esque fun.


go skinny dipping to upgrade your sex life

Go skinny dipping with your partner.

If you and your partner have access to someplace you can safely and privately skinny dip, there’s no time like summer to take full advantage of it. A private backyard pool definitely does the job, but a remote spot at an out-of-the-way beach or lake might be a good fit, as well. So strip down, enjoy the experience for everything that it is, and let everything else unfold naturally.

Don’t have an outdoor oasis that’s right for skinny dipping in your immediate vicinity? Get creative. An outdoor shower isn’t a bad place to get down and dirty in a pinch. You can take advantage of any gentle summer rain that may happen to fall, as well.

Celebrate National Orgasm Day.

Not only is there such a thing as National Orgasm Day, but it just so happens to fall right smack in the middle of summer – July 31st, to be exact. It’s the perfect excuse to plan something extra naughty and sexy to enjoy with your partner or even on your own.

Try a romantic picnic dinner at the beach or the park. Time it so you’re there at sunset, bring a blanket to cover up with when the temperature drops, and get handsy underneath as you enjoy the beautiful sky full of colors together. Drive out to the middle of nowhere and make out in the car like you’re teenagers. Shop for a new toy together, and use it for the first time to celebrate. If it ends in an orgasm for one or both of you, it’s fair game!

Upgrade your sex life like a boss

Be naked or scantily clad as often as possible.

There’s nothing like the constant sight of a lover’s bare skin to get your pulse racing and inspire the sexiest of thoughts. And there’s nothing like hot sun and rising temperatures to make stripping down to the greatest extent possible sound positively heavenly.

Consider scheduling a lazy naked day at home the next time you’re able to make room in your schedule. Alternatively, you can use the rising mercury as an excuse to go about your day in your underwear, a skimpy bikini, or even your birthday suit. If your partner happens to get an eyeful of you looking scrumptious in the process, so much the better.

Seize a summer opportunity to exchange massages.

Have you ever noticed that summer comes complete with an unusual number of opportunities to give or receive an impromptu massage? Whether you’re helping your lover apply sunscreen to those hard-to-reach areas at the beach or treating an unfortunate sunburn with aloe vera gel a little later on, it’s not unusual for a lot of touching to be going on.

Consider letting an opportunity like that serve as a preview of coming attractions while you’re enjoying a day together. Or use a classic wand vibrator to treat your partner to a soothing muscle massage after a day of fun in the sun, complete with a happy ending. Be creative, and give your hands permission to roam where they may.

Summer is nothing if not a dreamy, sultry time that’s perfect for letting your mind wander and coming up with fun, imaginative new ways to enjoy yourself. Don’t be afraid to come up with some exhilarating scenarios of your own or to encourage your partner to do the same.

5 Great Ways to Get Hot and Bothered (That Aren’t Porn)

Naturally, sex – solo or otherwise – is best when you’re as aroused as possible, but sometimes everyone needs a little help getting to that place. A quick porn clip or two is the usual go-to when it comes right down to it, but even the hottest porn can get stale after a while. It’s also not for everyone or the right fit for every situation.

Thankfully, porn’s not the only option under the sun when it comes to getting hot and bothered in an instant. Here are a few alternatives to try if porn isn’t really your jam or for times when you’re just in the mood for something different.

1.      Try reading some erotica.

If classic porn doesn’t do it for you or you just want a new way to get excited, written erotica makes for a great alternative. It’s also the type of thing many people enjoy just about any time, whether you’re looking to get aroused right that second or not.

There’s so much out there to choose from, including red hot short fiction you can get through in a few minutes to complete erotic novels that provide a more extended, richer experience. Try a few different formats on for size until you figure out what you like most.

2.      Hang out in a chat room.

Not everyone gets super turned on just by watching other people get hot and heavy with one another. Some people really crave something interactive that lets them play a part in what’s going on, so to speak. Chat rooms may seem old school, but they’re definitely still out there and can be a lot of fun.

Some chat sites match you randomly with someone who could be located anywhere in the world. Others let you make more targeted choices. All come without the pressure of having to think about meeting in real life. Instead, you can just enjoy one another for a few moments and then move on with your life.

3.      Write about your fantasies.

If you enjoy journaling or any other form of writing, you might find you enjoy writing about your fantasies. The process can be incredibly arousing, as well as an effective way to get better acquainted with some of the things that turn you on. You wouldn’t be the first person who discovered a new kink or pet fantasy via a little creative writing.

Consider starting an erotic journal for your eyes only to record sexy dreams, explore pet fantasies, and more. Later on, if you decide you’re comfortable, you may want to consider sharing some of what you’ve written with a partner or at least bringing up some of the fantasies for discussion.

4.      Enjoy some ultra-indulgent tub time.

Sometimes it’s not a lack of stimulation that’s getting in the way of deep arousal. If you’re always busy or struggling to keep up with a packed schedule, what you may really need is some time spent unwinding. A long, hot soak in the tub may be just the thing to do with a free evening sometime soon.

Make sure you go the whole nine yards and include everything you enjoy. Use luxury bath oil or bubble bath in a heady, luscious scent you love. Play your favorite music and pour yourself a glass of wine. Relax, unwind, and let your mind wander. If you like, you can even bring your favorite waterproof toy along for the ride in case you find yourself in the mood.

5.      Partake in some steamy talk with your partner.

If you’re not shy about initiating some spicy conversation with your partner, it can be a great way to get in the mood and make sex extra hot. Start by whispering a little something in their ear after kissing them goodbye in the morning. Then keep the conversation going all day long while you’re apart over text or instant message.

How sexy you get is up to the two of you, but the naughtier, the better. Type out something titillating you’d like to try together later. Send them a smoking hot selfie that reveals a little peek of your lingerie of the day or otherwise gives your partner something to look forward to when it’s time to come back together at the end of the day. Being aroused enough won’t be a problem for either of you.

There’s no one right way to jumpstart your libido and get in the mood. Porn may feel like it’s everyone else’s go-to method, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be yours. And, of course, you can and should switch things up as often and as thoroughly as you like. Try a few new options on for size, and see what works for you!

Epic Orgasms 101: How to Make Yours Better, Stronger, and More Satisfying

Orgasms come more easily to some women than others, so there’s no such thing as a bad one. But it also goes without saying that not all orgasms are equal. Some are so powerful, they practically leave you seeing stars, while others can be underwhelming.

The stronger the orgasm, the more satisfied it leaves you feeling, so it makes sense to want yours to be as strong as possible. Here’s a look at everything you need to know to improve the quality of your orgasms and walk away from every pleasure session fully satisfied from head to toe.

Adopt a mindful approach to masturbation.

If you’re like most people, you probably start your solo sessions with one end goal in mind – an orgasm – and there’s nothing wrong with that. A quick and dirty orgasm on your own terms is reason enough to spend a little personal time with your downstairs, but it doesn’t have to be the only one.

Mindful masturbation sessions that are more about exploration than simply getting off can be the key to having those life-changing orgasms you crave a lot more often. Set aside a good thirty minutes or so and decide you’re not going to focus on having an orgasm this time. Explore your entire body from head to toe using a variety of different toys, stimulation styles, lubes, or temperatures. The more you know about how your body truly responds to touch, the better.

Lockdown a solid Kegel routine.

The strength of your pelvic floor plays a massive role in how intense your orgasms are, so a consistent Kegel routine is an absolute must. As with other types of exercise, a quick squeeze session whenever you happen to remember isn’t going to do the job. Instead, aim for three sessions of 10-20 repetitions each per day.

The beauty of Kegels is that no one can tell when you’re doing them, so you can fit your sessions in anytime and anywhere. You don’t need any special equipment to do them, either, as a simple clench and release routine is enough to yield results. But Kegel balls or vibrating Kegel eggs can make the process more fun, so it’s well worth checking out your options.

Daily Kegels with Momenta
FemmeFunn’s Momenta – A Funn Approach to Kegel Balls

Invest in better-quality sex toys.

If you’re trusting your orgasm to a toy that’s cheaply made, way too basic, or well past its prime, it’s almost a certainty that you’re not having the kind of orgasms you deserve. Quality matters when it comes to the toys you use, so better designs, more powerful motors, and ergonomic shapes make a massive difference.

Consider swapping out your bargain-basement cylinder vibe for a luxury option from a top manufacturer like FemmeFunn and see what happens. You can stick to one go-to toy if that’s truly what you prefer, but many women find it worthwhile to keep more than one around.

Try keeping a trusty rabbit vibe around for your own personal use, but a few additional options (like vibrating bullets or eggs) to use with a partner or take on the go.

Get comfortable asking for what you want.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make sure your partner has a good time when you’re getting down and dirty together, but keep in mind that your pleasure counts, too. It’s not uncommon for women to be so focused on their partner’s pleasure, that their own takes a hit, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

If you’re not there already, it’s time to get comfortable with being demanding in bed. Ask your partner for what you need to orgasm like a champ, whether that’s more foreplay, more time receiving oral, or a stab at a new position. Your partner wants to please you, but they’re not psychic. They need you to tell them what you’re in the mood for and give them feedback on what works best.

Turn foreplay into an all-day affair.

A terrific romp in the bedroom has a lot in common with a perfect meal. It’s great anytime, but it’s most world-changing when you’re starving for it. The next time you’re hoping to get frisky with your partner later, consider spending the day leading up to it stoking the fires.

Engage your partner with frisky texts or sexy selfies throughout the day, and watch what happens when you finally come together in the evening.

You can do the same even when you’re merely planning a solo session. Wear something that makes you feel sexy or sensual. Partake in some erotica that turns you on, or periodically let your mind revisit your favorite fantasies and sexy memories. Your orgasm is sure to be an explosive experience when you finally do get a moment to yourself. Try it and see!


“Just Sex” Versus “Making Love”: Is It Possible to Tell the Difference?

Although there’s nothing wrong with casual sex that comes completely string-free, sometimes you’re looking for more than that – meaningful sex that’s part of a growing connection. However, the two can look infuriatingly similar to one another, especially when you’re still in the process of getting to know someone.

Thankfully there are sexual cues that can make it easier to tell the difference. Here’s a closer look at what to look for and how best to read the signs. Some are even possible to spot before things turn sexual in the first place, especially if you’ve been spending a decent amount of time together.

Sex is an option, not a requirement.

What role does sex play in your relationship with the person in question? Does it feel like the only reason they ever want to get together, or is time with you something they genuinely seem to enjoy in other contexts?

Someone who’s into someone on a level that goes beyond sexual will undoubtedly love the sex. But they’ll love doing other things, as well. If this person seems just as eager to spend time with you when sex isn’t on the table, you’re more than just a booty call to them.

They’re attentive to your sexual needs.

It’s possible for someone only interested in sex for its own sake to genuinely enjoy pleasing their partner as part of the experience, but it’s not really the norm. When it’s all about sex, you can usually tell. They may seem focused strictly on getting off, or they may want you to do things they enjoy without ever asking what you like.

When someone sees sex as making love and it’s meaningful, they take their time. They seem to be savoring every kiss and trying to make every second in bed with their partner count. They definitely seem focused on making sure you have a good time and will likely communicate that directly.

There’s just something different about the sex lately.

It’s not uncommon for sex to start one way and gradually evolve into something else as time goes by. Plenty of people begin a connection as casual bed buddies or friends with benefits only to become something more meaningful over time. A shift in the overall vibe of the sex is a clue that this might be occurring.

Sometimes things start feeling more intense, or your lover seems to be handling you with a more loving hand than they used to. Such changes can happen all of a sudden or build slowly over time, but they’re often a sign that you, your partner, or both of you are starting to see what you’re doing as “making love” instead of just getting it on.

They stay the night when you’re done.

Sure, some people do decide to stay the night after scoring a successful booty call or enjoying a one-night stand because it’s convenient. It’s a lot more typical for the person to want to get dressed and bounce after the sex is over, though. Why hang out or chat when there’s no real connection outside of the bedroom?

When someone’s really into you, whether you’ve known each other long or not, it’s different. Not only will they want to stay the night, but they’ll welcome the chance to get to know you better and spend more time soaking up your presence. They’ll be more into the idea of cuddling and really going deep when it comes to the conversation, as well.

You feel comfortable being yourself.

Not just outside the bedroom but between the sheets, as well. Casual sex with someone when there’s no deeper connection can be a good time, but it’s not always easy to really let go and let it all hang out. Is this usually the case for you? If so, feeling a level of personal comfort you wouldn’t typically feel could signal that one lover, in particular, is more than that.

Do you find it easier to let go of your inhibitions with this person? Does asking for what you want and enjoying every second of it come naturally? And what about them? Do you get the impression they get lost in you and your connection when you’re in bed together? Are there delicate details that probably wouldn’t be there if it were just a one-night stand – like eye contact, hand-holding, or caressing?

Of course, no two people or connections are precisely alike, so signs like the above may vary from couple to couple. But the more of them you’ve noticed, the more likely it is that your sexual connection is about more than just getting down and dirty in the bedroom. Now all you need to do is decide where you’d like it to go from here.

Sex in Public: Worth Trying or Worst Idea Ever?

It’s something just about everyone has at least thought about a time or two – how hot it would be to get a bit frisky in public. Sometimes you happen to spot a golden opportunity while out with a lover and can’t help but think, “what if.” Other times, it’s just a pet fantasy you like to consider now and again, but it’s always fun to think about.

But what if you’re ready to stop thinking and start experimenting? Is public sex even a good idea, or is it sure to be something you’ll wind up regretting? And if you do decide to give it a try, how can you give yourself the best chance of avoiding detection? Here’s a closer look at what you need to consider before you dive right in.

Why Consider It in the First Place

There are many reasons why you or your partner might be interested in giving public sex a try. To begin with, it’s a great way to add a little zing to your sexual repertoire, whether you think it needs it or not. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship, but it’s more important than many people think. A little variety and a sense of adventure never hurt when it comes to keeping things interesting.

Even discussing the idea of having public sex together can be exciting and can encourage both of you to be a lot more spontaneous. It can lead to future conversations about other fantasies you might have or things you might want to try together in the bedroom sometime – always a plus.

Why You Want to Be Careful

If you do decide you want to give in to temptation and make your public sex fantasies come true, making sure you aren’t seen or caught is a must. If the cops catch you, you could wind up facing public indecency charges, and nobody wants that. Not everyone winds up paying hefty fines or landing in jail because of something like that, but it’s not entirely unheard of, either.

Also, consent is sexy. Even if the idea of being seen or observed kind of excites you, you don’t want to force other people to be unwitting participants in something that’s just between you and your partner. Have your fun, if you like, but be discreet about it.

A Little Preparation Goes a Long Way

Whether you’re actively making plans to try a little public nooky on for size or not, it pays to be prepared, especially if you think you might get an opportunity on a particular day. Here are some tips to keep in mind.

Dress with your plans in mind.

The better you can blend in with the rest of your surroundings, the lower the likelihood of getting caught. Save the neon yellow or fire engine red for another day. Instead, wear neutrals and understated tones that make it harder to catch the eyes of passersby. It’s never a bad idea to skip the underwear and go commando, as well. The fewer layers between the two of you and the good time you’re after, the better.

Come up with a “just in case” excuse.

Often, public play that’s either blossomed into full-blown sex or is about to can look a lot like something completely innocent. Take a minute to consider what that “innocent something” could be before you get down to business just in case someone does see you and decides to confront you.

If you’re caught by actual cops or authority figures, though, it’s probably not to your benefit to lie. Just apologize, be super polite, and promise it will never happen again. You’re more likely to escape unscathed.

Pick your location with care.

Timing is everything when it comes to scorching public sex that you can totally get away with, so make sure you consider it before you go for it in a pet spot you’ve had your eye on. For instance, bustling locations – like beaches or parks in the middle of the summer – are better bets after dark.

Some locations are almost always good fits when you’re in the mood to get a little naughty on the sly. Wooded areas and remote locations are good choices, as there are lots of spots that are off the beaten trail and can offer the kind of concealment you need.

You may also want to practice getting it on in more different positions, as public sex often requires you to get more creative. Standing or doggie-style sex tends to work especially well in a pinch, so it’s time to start mastering those. If you’re able to coast into whatever position would work best fluidly, your world of opportunity will open up more in the most beautiful ways. Try it and see!

How to Get Comfortable Talking to Your Partner About Sex

At this point, everyone knows they should be comfortable talking to their partner about sex, especially if they’re married or otherwise in a long-term committed relationship. The truth is, though, that it’s often easier to want to do it than it is to open your mouth and start a real conversation.

Some people are shy or were brought up to see sex as something you never talk about. Others just aren’t sure how to get started or bring up something difficult. But thankfully, making sex a regular conversation topic between you and your partner is definitely possible with a bit of practice and the right approach. Here’s how you can start the process.

Don’t leave talking about sex up to your partner.

Many people who want to talk to their partner about sex simply assume that their partners are on the same page. They then take a passive approach to the topic and wait for the other person to bring it up so they don’t have to. Your partner can’t read your mind in actuality, and they may well not realize you want to be more open about sex.

Even if it’s hard, it’s essential to be brave enough to start the conversation yourself. Of course, it’s best to establish a habit of talking about sex early on in a relationship, but it’s also important to realize that it’s never too late to start. Remember that you don’t have to leap headfirst into graphic discussions about your most taboo fetishes right off the bat. Start with something more approachable like consent or birth control, and take it from there.

Know what you want out of the conversation.

Before you can open a productive dialogue about sex, it’s important to be clear on what you want to come of it. That means knowing yourself and understanding yourself sexually. What triggered the desire to open up a discussion? Is there something you’re not getting from your partner that you’d like to ask for? Are you hoping to build intimacy with your partner?

Take some time to really think about what you’d like to go over when you do sit down to talk. Possible talking points include ways your sex life might not be as satisfying for you as you’d like it to be. You may want to talk about your fantasies or hear your partner talk about theirs. Maybe there’s a physical issue you’d like to talk about. Write it down beforehand if it makes it easier to get clear on a few things.

Keep things as positive as possible.

Many of the reasons people want to talk to their partner about sex have to do with wanting to pursue something they need but aren’t getting. That can make it all too easy to come at the topic from a negative angle that can put their partner on the defensive. Instead, you want to lead with a positive and be sensitive to your partner’s feelings. Think about how you’d like your partner to approach you if the shoe were on the other foot.

  • If you need to discuss something that may be taken as a criticism, open by commenting on something you adore about how your partner makes love.
  • Make “I” statements, as opposed to “you” ones. For example, say “I’d love to try this with you,” as opposed to “you never do this.” It helps avoid the implication that you blame your partner for what’s wrong.
  • Be kind, but be clear, as well. You won’t make any progress if you don’t make yourself understood.

Bring your partner in on the discussion.

Although it’s important to address whatever your concerns or desires may be, don’t forget that conversations involve two people and two points of view. Yes, you should talk, but you’ll want to listen, as well. Really listen, instead of simply thinking about what you want to say next while your partner is talking.

Then ask questions to get a better idea of where your partner is coming from. Encourage them to ask you any questions they might have, as well. The more sensitive the topic, the more critical it becomes that both of you actively listen to one another.

Take responsibility for your own sexual pleasure.

Many bedroom issues, performance anxiety included, stem from the notion that an orgasm is something you give your partner (or vice versa.) In reality, your pleasure is something you’re responsible for and choosing to share with your partner.

In the interests of knowing yourselves better, each of you should be spending some solo time where you focus solely on yourselves. Experiment with sex toys, learn what you like, and then come back together to discuss your discoveries. Don’t worry if it feels a little awkward at first. In time, it will become much more natural. Practice makes perfect!

The Dos and Don’ts of Taking a New Partner to Bed

If there’s one experience that can be nearly as terrifying as it is exhilarating, it’s going to bed with someone new. On the one hand, you’re thrilled that it’s finally time to take things to the next level. But on the other, you’re worried things won’t go as smoothly as you hope. Then, even casual sex requires a certain degree of trust that isn’t always easy to give.

Thankfully, while sex with a brand new partner isn’t always uncomplicated, it doesn’t have to be rocket science either. Here are a few dos and don’ts to keep in mind the next time you’re ready to get horizontal with someone new. Your nerves will be history in no time.

DO check your expectations at the door.

When your pants are really on fire for someone, in particular, it can be hard not to get your hopes up when it’s finally time to get horizontal together. You want to keep your expectations in check, though, even if your chemistry is incredible. Sometimes sex is mind-blowing right from day one, but often, it takes time for things to click with someone new.

DON’T be overly adventurous right away.

A lot of people see a romp with someone new as a golden opportunity to really pull out all the stops, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But that needs to be an approach that feels comfortable for both of you. A first love session isn’t necessarily the best time to flex by whipping out your copy of the Kama Sutra or going from zero to hardcore BDSM in an instant. Start with the basics. If that goes well, there’s plenty of time to bust out your signature moves in the future.

DO bring a toothbrush with you.

Or a tin of mints or a travel-sized bottle of mouthwash. You get the picture. Bad breath has a way of rearing its ugly head right when it’s least convenient. If you come fully prepared, you’ll be able to take action if you’re concerned there was too much garlic in the pasta you ordered at dinner. You’ll also be ready to rock first thing in the morning if things go well enough to lead to a full-on sleepover.

DON’T forget the protection.

Contraception is everyone’s responsibility, so never assume that the other person will take care of it. Don’t assume even if they’ve told you they’d take care of it. If they don’t actually follow through, you’ll wind up having to interrupt your fun to make a condom run at best, and that’s hardly an ideal way to start a first lovemaking session. And while we’re on the topic of preparedness, it’s not a bad idea to bring along a travel bottle of condom-safe lube just in case, either.

DO keep things light and playful.

Remember, sex is supposed to be fun. However, it also happens to be a little messy and wild sometimes. Human bodies do things like making interesting noises at the worst possible times, so there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. In fact, laughing it off to show it’s no big deal is a much better reaction to a wayward fart or queef than getting nervous or trying to pretend that it never happened at all. Plus, a little laughter and playfulness often make the experience more fun, so relax, and try not to take things so seriously.

DON’T hesitate to speak up.

When you’re with someone new, you don’t yet have a road map to go by, but there’s a bright side to that. Finding out what turns someone on and watching them light up when you try it is great fun. That said, don’t be afraid to communicate, both verbally and nonverbally. Let your partner know when they’re doing something you love. Ask them how what you’re doing feels to them, as well. Everyone’s different when it comes to what does it for them, so when in doubt, ask.

DO forget about how you look.

Everyone has hang-ups about their body and looks, but don’t let yours ruin your good time with your new partner. Remember that if you’re in bed together, they’re already into what you have going on. It’s highly unlikely that they’ll notice or care about your alleged imperfections, so do yourself a favor and forget about them, too. Fixating too much on such things will only put a damper on your good time.

DON’T hyper-focus on orgasm.

No one’s saying you shouldn’t go after an orgasm or try to help your partner have one of their own. Just don’t make orgasm the be-all and end-all of your experience. Remember, it takes some time to find your rhythm and learn what gets you both there. Just relax, enjoy the ride, and embrace the orgasms with open arms if they do happen.

Is It Possible to Overcome Sexual Incompatibility?

Just about anyone’s familiar with “that feeling.” It’s the one you get when you’ve been seeing someone for a while, and everything was going perfectly… until you took things into the bedroom. Now instead of being effortlessly in sync with one another sexually the way you thought you’d be, things aren’t going so hot, and you’re left wondering what to do next.

Don’t worry. You don’t need to call it quits just yet, no matter how crucial great sex is to you. Sexual incompatibility is more common than you may realize, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your partner (or with you). Here’s a closer look at some of the more common issues, as well as a few tips for handling them like champs.

One (or both) of you has trouble reaching orgasm.

Everyone’s different when it comes to their ability to have an orgasm with a partner. Some people can do so easily, while others (especially women) might struggle more. Everyone has their own pet way to be touched or stimulated which does it for them, as well. There are even people out there who never have orgasms, even by themselves. None of these things indicate a problem with the person or their partner. Ultimately, all that matters is that you’re both happy with things in this arena.

If you’re unhappy with your relationship’s orgasm situation, fixing the issue starts with honest communication. Put your heads together and come up with some ways to shake things up. For instance, toys make it much easier to have orgasms consistently, and they make incredible additions to your partnered sex life. Try using one together and seeing what happens.

One of you values sex more than the other.

No two people are alike when it comes to how important sex might be to them, either. Some people consider it vitally important, while someone else might be able to take it or leave it. Still, more people are closer to the asexual end of the spectrum and don’t much like sex at all, even if they do very much want to be in a relationship.

Again, there’s no right or wrong way to be when it comes to sex drive, so don’t jump to the conclusion that something’s wrong with one of you. Differing libidos call for compromises that work for both people, so it’s time to put your heads together and talk. Most couples deal with permanent or temporary libido differences and can settle on a mutually agreeable middle ground.

You feel compelled to do things in bed you don’t enjoy.

Everyone has things that do it for them in the bedroom and things that are total turn-offs. So, what happens when your partner’s absolute favorite sex acts are the exact same things you can’t stand doing? If you’re like a lot of people, you might feel compelled to simply go along to get along, hoping things will work themselves out, but what if that never happens?

No one should ever feel like they have to do things they’re not comfortable with just to please a partner, so it’s time to ask yourself why this is the case for you. Are you concerned that your partner will be angry if you don’t? If so, it’s time to ask yourself why you’re with them in the first place. But if you’re just eager to please them, it’s time to talk things through with your partner. They likely have no idea you feel the way you do and would be happy to change things up.

One (or both) of you are bashful about sex.

Although it might seem as if everyone is super-comfortable talking about sex almost non-stop, this is far from the case. Plenty of people are more reserved about it for any number of reasons. Some are old-fashioned and see it as a private matter not to be discussed openly. Others are merely shy and find it hard to open up on the topic, even with their partner.

Whether you have it or not, sex is an important topic when you’re in a relationship, so it’s essential to be able to discuss it comfortably with each other. Open up the lines of communication a little at a time with baby steps. In time, even the most bashful people can reach a healthy level of comfort with their sexuality. It’s their partners’ job to be patient and understanding throughout the process.

At the end of the day, compatibility issues in the bedroom are not a death sentence for a relationship. Many couples experience them at one point or another, so a solid understanding of how to work through them is a must. Communication, understanding, compromise, and compassion are the keys to getting the two of you where you’d like to be.

How to Spot and Avoid Sexual Red Flags

Ask anyone who’s survived a bad relationship or two, and they’ll tell you the same thing. They’ll say they should have seen it coming because all the red flags were there right from day one. With any luck, they go into their next relationship a little better prepared.

Not all relationship red flags have to do with the other person not supporting your goals or not wanting you to see your friends, though. Some of them make themselves apparent in the bedroom, so it pays to be aware. Here’s a look at some of the most common sexual red flags and what you should do if you spot them.

They have an unhealthy attitude toward your orgasm.

A good relationship partner understands that sex is about both people involved. They want to please you, and they care whether you’re having an orgasm as often as you wish. Avoid people who don’t care whether you get off and can’t be bothered to try to help you get there.

You’ll also want to be careful of people who seem obsessed with getting you there no matter what. A partner should be able to listen when you tell them it’s just not happening tonight without taking it personally. And no one should ever shame you or imply something’s wrong with you if you can’t orgasm through penetration alone, need a sex toy to get there consistently, and so forth.

They insult your body (or you worry they will.)

Even supermodels aren’t as perfect in real life as their flawlessly airbrushed photos might make them appear. Real people usually have flaws. They have cellulite, stretch marks, and armpit fat. Anyone lucky enough to be in bed with you should be mature enough to accept that, especially since it’s unlikely they’re perfect themselves.

It’s just as big a red flag if their actions outside of the bedroom make you feel like you can’t trust them to love your body as it is. Do they often make weird or unsettling comments about other women’s bodies? Do they practically break their neck staring at every stone goddess that walks by when you’re out together? If so, you’re probably right to wonder about their priorities.

They shame you for what you do or don’t like in bed.

While there’s nothing wrong with keeping things on the vanilla side if that’s what you prefer, there’s an entire world of sexual flavors out there to try. A particular partner may or may not be into exploring everything on your list, but they should never make you feel ashamed of what turns you on or laugh at any of your fantasies.

On the flip side, they shouldn’t pressure you to do things you’re not comfortable with, either. If your partner ever makes you feel like you can’t say “no” to something they want in the bedroom, that’s a big sexual red flag, run the other way. Their respect for you as a person should outweigh their desire to do whatever it is they have in mind.

The chemistry isn’t there on your end.

Sometimes a particular partner looks good on paper, but things never really come together when it’s time to get closer physically. Are you sometimes put off by kissing or making out with them for reasons you don’t totally understand? Maybe you don’t feel as excited as you usually would about the idea of being intimate with them or can’t get into things without pretending they’re someone else.

If not exactly a huge red flag, it’s still a subtle signal from your body that you’re not that into someone. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship, but it’s still significant. Life’s too short to spend it with someone in your bed who makes you feel lukewarm at best about the idea of having sex with them.

You can’t seem to agree when it counts.

No two people will be exactly alike when it comes to their sex drives and bedroom preferences, but you should at least feel like compromise is possible. If you’re just so darned different that the two of you are basically taking turns feeling unsatisfied, that’s a sexual red flag and it might be time to rethink some things.

Are you in the mood to get down and dirty multiple times a week (or even per day) while they’re happy with only a couple of times a month? Is their absolute favorite bedroom activity something you find barely tolerable at best? Are they good at listening when you try to open specific topics up for conversation? If not, it might be a sign you’re not that compatible after all.

Relationships may not be all about sex, but the state of your sex life and the health of the rest of your relationship often go hand in hand. If things aren’t right in the bedroom, and you can’t seem to find any common ground with your partner, it might be time to reconsider.

How to Bring Your Sex Toy and Your Partner Together

There are lots of ways to make sex with your partner even hotter than it already is, but adding a sex toy to the mix is definitely one of the most powerful. A toy brings a variety of unique sensations to the table for both of you. It also takes a lot of the guesswork out of having as many orgasms as you want, so you can focus on what really counts – each other.

However, knowing you’d like to get your partner and your favorite vibrator in the same room, making beautiful music together, is one thing. Figuring out how to do that without things getting awkward is another matter entirely. Here are a few practical things to keep in mind to make sure things go as smoothly as possible.

Overcoming Potential Fears or Reservations

For most people, the big fear when bringing up the possibility of using a sex toy in the bedroom is that their partner will feel replaced or upstaged somehow. In most cases, there’s nothing to worry about. Your partner might be more knowledgeable and open-minded than you think when it comes to sex toys and the reasons why someone might want to bring one into the bedroom.

However, if you’re still concerned, simply assure your partner that there’s no such thing as a replacement for a loving experience with a living, breathing partner. Even the fanciest vibrator can’t kiss you, touch, you, or connect with you the way another person can. A toy is merely a tool that can help enhance that connection.

Bringing Up the Subject

When you and your partner talk about sex, what’s the specific context? Ideally, sex isn’t just something you talk about when there’s a problem that needs addressing. It should be something you talk about freely, often, and in as positive a context as possible. Getting into the habit of letting your partner know when they’ve really pleased you is always worthwhile.

When it comes to making sexual requests, it helps to lead with a positive. Tell your partner how much you loved something they did the last time you were intimate. Then bring up the topic of the toy and mention how much you’d love using it with them. And simply be honest about whatever it is you’re feeling. If the topic makes you feel shy, excited, curious, or something else entirely, share that.

Choosing the Right Sex Toy for the Job

If both of you like the idea of starting with a go-to toy you already have, that’s perfectly okay. However, sex toys are far from one-size-fits-all. Take some time to discuss the types of sensations you each like best and would most enjoy exploring together via a toy. Are you guys all about oral or mutual masturbation? Is penetrative sex an absolute must when you’re intimate together?

If you, your partner, or both of you are brand new to using sex toys as a couple, you may find it most comfortable to integrate a toy into whatever you already enjoy doing together. If you’re into penetrative sex, a small, wearable toy like a cock ring might be a good choice. If you like the idea of using a toy for external stimulation, try something small and versatile that lets you thoroughly explore the possibilities – like a bullet vibrator or a vibrating egg.

Picking out a new toy together can be a great way to bond with a partner, as well as help them feel involved in what’s going on if they’re nervous about the idea. Log onto your favorite online sex shop and look through the offerings. Take turns pointing out items you think would be fun to try, pick out one or two favorites, and enjoy the anticipation that comes with waiting for your order to arrive.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Talking about what you’re doing together before you get started is undoubtedly essential. However, the lines of communication should stay open while you play, as well. If something feels good, let your partner know and encourage them to do the same. Spelling things out with words is fine, but sometimes moans, gasps, and other sounds of pleasure do just as well.

When you’re done, keep talking. Did you both enjoy what happened, and are you down for trying it again sometime? Go over what you each liked most about the experience. Ask each other what you’d like to try differently the next time you play with a sex toy. As you add to your collective experience, try different positions on for size. Add to your toy collection, always keep touching base with one another, and talk about what you’ve been doing.

The more you talk about sex and the more new things you try, the better and deeper your sexual relationship with your partner will become. Explore the possibilities, and enjoy the journey!

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