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12 Trailblazing Women Who Changed the Way We Think About Sex and Sexuality

Sexuality has always been an important aspect of human existence. When agricultural societies evolved, there was an increase in communal supervision of sexual activity, most likely owing to population growth and the emergence of dense urban populations. 

This surveillance imposed stricter rules on sexuality and sexual activity

Gender roles around sexuality became much more stringent with the advent of patriarchal societies, and sexual norms began focusing on sexual possessiveness and the control of female sexuality

The ways in which men and women were permitted and expected to express their sexuality differed dramatically, with men wielding far greater sexual power and freedom. Different civilizations, on the other hand, have developed diverse approaches to gender.

While the United States still prides itself on being The Land of the Free, it is relatively conservative compared to other industrialized nations regarding its individuals’ overall attitudes on sex. 

According to an international poll, 29% of Americans believe that premarital sex is always bad, whereas the average across the 24 nations polled was 17%. 

Similar disparities were discovered in questions concerning the condemnation of sex before the age of 16, extramarital sex, and homosexuality, with overall American disapproval of these actions being 12%, 13%, and 11% higher, respectively, than the study’s average.

When it comes to women and sexuality, American culture is extremely rigid in its attitudes around sex. Males are widely thought to be more sexual than women, and the assumption that men have — or have the right to — larger sexual appetites than women creates a double standard. 

Why can’t we just loosen up? 

Well, we’re trying! Things have changed with society slowly beginning to alter its views and rethink its sexual standards, thanks in part to the efforts of a handful of courageous women.

So, with that being said and in the spirit of celebrating women and the beauty of sex, here are 12 women who have changed the way we think about sex, gender, and pleasure.

The women who changed our views about sex and sexuality

Mary Steichen Calderone

Calderone was an American physician and sexual education public health advocate. Her most remarkable accomplishment was overturning the American Medical Association’s regulation prohibiting patients from receiving birth control information. 

Mary_Steichen_Calderone

From 1954 until 1982, Calderone was president and co-founder of the Sex Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS). She authored several articles that advocated for open conversation and equal access to knowledge for people of all ages. She was also Planned Parenthood’s medical director.

Virginia Johnson 

Johnson was a trailblazing sex researcher who, with William Masters, defined the four phases of the sexual response and made significant advances in understanding sexual dysfunction at a period when few people were openly discussing sex. 

Virginia Johnson

Initially working as Master’s research assistant in 1957, she eventually became his equal collaborator in disseminating decades of data that dispelled many misconceptions about arousal and sex.

Sylvia Rivera

Rivera was a gay liberation and transgender rights activist decades before transgender persons became recognized on the public stage. 

Sylvia_Rae_Rivera (1)

Rivera, who identified as a drag queen, joined the Gay Activists Alliance at the age of 18, co-founded the Street Transvestite Action Revolutionaries, and battled for the legacy of gay activism until her death.

Audre Lorde 

Lorde was a self-described “black, lesbian, mother, warrior, poet” who “dedicated both her life and her creative talent to confronting and addressing injustices of racism, sexism, classism, and homophobia.” She is well renowned as a poet for her technical mastery and emotional expression. 

Her poems reflect her indignation and outrage at the civil and social injustices she witnessed during her life. The Poetry Foundation described her performance as “strong, melodious, and dramatic” as a spoken word performer. 

Audre-Lorde-1

Her poems and prose primarily address civil rights, feminism, lesbianism, sickness and disability, and the discovery of the black female identity. Lorde claimed that women could become more empowered by embracing rather than suppressing their sexuality.  

In 1978 she wrote Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power, where she stated, “The erotic is a measure between the beginnings of our sense of self and the chaos of our strongest feelings.

Betty Dodson 

Dodson was a sex educator and a pioneering pro-sex feminist. She began organizing Bodysex classes in the 1970s to help women connect with their bodies and erogenous zones, heal shame, improve pleasure perception, and promote self-love

Women were guided in the courses to explore their bodies and masturbate together to understand how to experience an orgasm as a woman alone and with a sexual partner. Her two-hour sessions included 15 naked ladies who used a wand vibrator to help in masturbation.

Betty Dodson

She advised women to place a little towel over their vulva to lessen the sensation of the vibrator and extend the enjoyable experience. Her method’s objective was to deliver both vaginal and clitoral stimulation simultaneously. 

Dodson used this technique to teach hundreds of women how to have an orgasm. Her technique became known as the Betty Dodson Method.

Minori Kitahara 

Kitahara is a non-fiction writer who has published more than ten single and co-authored books. She established the Love Piece Club, Japan’s first inclusive female-owned sex toy shop, in 1996. 

Minori Kitahara

Since then, she’s been a vocal advocate for sexual health and women’s right to pleasure, even though the issue is still somewhat taboo in her country.

Nancy Friday 

Friday was a writer who pushed for openness regarding sexual desire and dreams by conducting hundreds of interviews with women (and men). 

My Secret Garden, her 1973 bestseller, debunked many myths and misconceptions about female sexuality (including the fact that it was safe and passive). 

Nancy-Friday

She also published books based on interviews about issues such as envy, feminism, BDSM, and even men’s fantasies.

Mona Eltahawy

Eltahawy is an Egyptian-American author and journalist who advocated for a Middle Eastern sexual revolution in her 2015 book, Headscarves and Hymens. Her commentaries have featured in various publications, and she is a frequent guest analyst on many television and radio shows. 

She appeared on most major media channels during Egypt’s 18-day revolution that deposed President Hosni Mubarak, prompting the feminist website Jezebel to dub her “The Woman Explaining Egypt to the West.”

Mona Eltahawy

In November 2011, Egyptian riot police beat her, breaking her left arm and right hand and sexually assaulting her. She was imprisoned for 12 hours by the Interior Ministry and Military Intelligence. 

Ms Eltahawy was named one of Newsweek’s “150 Fearless Women of 2012,” Time magazine named her one of its “People of the Year, and Arabian Business magazine named her one of the 100 Most Powerful Arab Women

Religions, she says, are “obsessed with my vagina.” “Stay outside my vagina until I want you in there,” I tell them.

Beverly Whipple 

Whipple is a sexologist, author, and professor emerita at Rutgers University. She co-wrote the book The G Spot and Other Recent Discoveries About Human Sexuality

Following a nursing career, most of her scholarly work has focused on enhancing female sexual function. She was a co-author of Female ejaculation: a case study in 1981. The research was published in The Journal of Sex Research and contains the first usage of the term “G-Spot.”

Beverly Whipple

Her methods include using fMRI scans to acquire data about what is going on in the brain. Her animal experiments helped isolate the vasoactive intestinal peptide and found that orgasms can be rerouted via the vagus nerve to the brain without requiring the spinal cord, allowing females with spinal cord injuries to reach orgasm through psychological stimulation alone.

Shere Hite 

Hite was an American-born German feminist and sex educator. Her sexological work was particularly concerned with female sexuality. 

Shere Hite

Hite drew on the biological studies of sex conducted by Masters and Johnson and Alfred Kinsey. She also cited theoretical, political, and psychological texts linked with the 1970s feminist movement, such as The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm by Anne Koedt.

Elisabeth Anne Lloyd  

Lloyd is a biologist philosopher from the United States. She is currently the Arnold and Maxine Tanis Chair of History and Philosophy of Science at Indiana University and is also an associated faculty scholar at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction.

Her book, The Case of the Female Orgasm, received widespread attention in both professional and popular publications, including Nature and The New York Times, and was parodied in an episode of Saturday Night Live. 

Elisabeth Anne Lloyd - The Case of the Female Orgasm

The book challenges what it sees as anti-scientific biases in the several purported adaptive theories for female orgasm

Lloyd suggests that the existing data, such as sexology research, are significantly more supportive of a neutral “byproduct” theory in which female orgasm evolved as a species attribute due to orgasm’s critical role in male conception.

Ruth Westheimer

Dr Ruth Westheimer was born in Germany to a Jewish family and sent to an orphanage in Switzerland when the Nazis came to power. After WWII, she joined the Haganah as a scout and sniper at 17. 

On her 20th birthday, Westheimer was severely injured by an exploding shell during a mortar attack on Jerusalem in 1947–1949, nearly losing both feet. 

She relocated to Paris to study psychology at the Sorbonne two years later. Westheimer worked as a maid to pay for her graduate education, getting an M.A. in sociology and a PhD at 42. 

Ruth Westheimer - Sexually Speaking

She lectured widely during the next decade and had a private sex therapy practice.

Westheimer started her media career in 1980 with the radio call-in show Sexually Speaking. Later, she created The Dr Ruth Show. Aside from her advice, she was known for being warm, cheerful, humorous, and gracious, and for her motto, “Get some.” 

In 1984, the New York Times said she went “from obscurity to near-immediate fame.” She became a household name and a cultural icon. She’s published 45 sex and sexuality novels.

Things You Need to Know to Elevate Your Oral Sex Game

Often hailed as the creme del a creme of the orgasmic cake, oral sex can be considered as the perfect act of vulnerability and release. 

Yet, there are some women who just don’t find it that enjoyable—especially when receiving oral elicits thoughts like ‘I wish I had bathed today’ or ‘what do I need to remember to get at the store tomorrow?’ and virtually every other mundane detail that could possibly get in the way of blissful release. 

As for giving? 

Thoughts like ‘Hmm, should I make eye contact?’ ‘Am I doing this right?’ ‘Argh, I hope I don’t gag!’ ‘Does this really feel good for them?’ can detract from the experience entirely.

Whether giving or receiving, staying in the moment forms a major element of enjoying the act. But, according to Wendy Strgar, author of Sex that Works: A Woman’s Guide to Embracing the Erotic, Awakening Arousal, and Deepening Intimacy, “women who have a lot of anxiety about oral sex are the ones who are trying to perform a sexual act that doesn’t turn them on.” 

But staying present is also really hard when what you are doing doesn’t excite you. A lot of the performance anxiety is unnecessary, according to Strgar, “because the most important thing is that your partner senses your desire for them.”

But, here’s the thing…despite knowing that your enthusiasm is more powerful than any technique you’re missing, you’ll undoubtedly want to make it the best experience ever. 

And that’s exactly where we come in…whether you’re experiencing performance anxiety or even just having a hard time orgasming, we’ve got some super sexy (and helpful) tips to help you get ahead and level up your oral sex game.

 

Make oral sex great again

Everyone deserves great oral sex. Consider the following tips, and you’ll soon be on your way to lingual greatness.

Take it slow

Although this may seem counterintuitive, the best way to rev up the moment is to slow down the foreplay rather than rushing to get the job done. Instead, take time to explore and kiss their body gently.

 The benefits of this approach are two-fold: 

  1. You’ll up the ante and get them super excited about what’s in store 
  2. The experience of slowly stimulating each erogenous zone will allow you both to be completely present.

Practice good hygiene

Although all vaginas have a natural scent, a common concern among women receiving cunnilingus is whether they smell good and are “clean enough” down below. 

While vaginas are supposed to smell like vaginas (and nobody should EVER be judged for their natural scent), you’ll want to keep things clean to avoid transmitting bacteria. 

Furthermore, knowing that your genitals are relatively clean might alleviate some anxiety and make you feel more comfortable and confident. 

Furthermore, when it comes to oral sex, most people don’t necessarily think about their oral hygiene—but it’s actually pretty important! Oral health directly correlates to the transmission of infections, and it’s essential to consider if you or your partner has any mouth sores or bleeding gums prior to engaging in oral sex. 

But before you start scrubbing your teeth pre-oral, it’s essential to note that flossing or brushing your teeth just before or just after oral sex increases the likelihood of STI transmission, especially if people have sensitive gums that bleed easily.

A good rule of thumb is don’t engage in oral sex within two hours of brushing or flossing to give your mouth time to recover. 

Let Go 

Letting go of anxieties and focusing on what you’re doing may help you get into the mood and genuinely enjoy pleasuring your partner. 

The problem of providing oral sex as a service is that if you’re not into it and it doesn’t turn you on sexually, the act becomes mechanical and, over time, may become a cause of resentment. 

Basically, what we’re saying is that doing things sexually for others (that don’t arouse you) is never recommended because there’s a very good chance that you may fall into the opposite camp—not wanting to be sexual at all (or even worse, feeling that your pleasure or arousal is less important!) 

Try 69

Sometimes all you need is a little bit of mutual love. And what better way to do this than to throw some numbers into the mix…more specifically, 69!

Adding a new level of engagement through the classic position of 69 is one approach to shifting oral sex away from the idea of servitude. 

As a result, you’re likely to feel less self-conscious (since there’s less of a sense of putting on a show and more effort to connect). This type of oral sex truly adds rocket fuel to the notion of shared pleasure.

Allow your fantasies to go wild

Fantasizing during oral sex can help women with anxieties to derive more pleasure from acting out their deepest desires. 

While some people feel that thinking about pornographic fantasies during sex might detract from an intimate moment, certain kinds of fantasies are key to super-charged oral sex. 

Think of it this way—if you allow these sexy thoughts to surface (even if you’re not sharing them), you’ll be able to enjoy all types of erotic acts and enjoy oral sex in a way that turns you on. It’s a win-win!

Think about what you eat

Did you know that fruit with high water content, such as strawberries and pineapples, can help with your natural lube and add some extra sweetness to the sexperience? 

Yup, what you eat can alter your smell/taste so if you really want to blow your SO’s mind, try eating more fruit and veggies. 

But, as we’ve already mentioned, your vagina cleans itself and has a natural aroma, so there’s no need to be concerned about your smell or taste. 

Keep going

Luckily for those that own vaginas, there’s no limit to how many times someone can orgasm in one session. So why not keep going after they reach their climax to see if you can give them another one? 

The same is true if your partner has a penis—don’t pull away as soon as they orgasm. Lightly massage the shaft with your mouth or hand to give them tingles all over.

Get turned on and let the enthusiasm flow

As we’ve already iterated, the best way to give oral is when you’re turned on. And what better way to do that than to make yourself feel good by—yup, you guessed it—feeling yourself! 

Think about giving yourself some pleasure while you’re giving it; whether this entails fantasizing, touching yourself, or wearing a vibe, it’s up to you to decide how you’re going to get those sensual juices flowing.  

Incorporate sex toys into your oral playtime

You may already have a vibrator or two for your own pleasure, but this can also be a terrific way to add new sensation when giving oral to those with penises. Try using a toy like the Ultra Wand or the Booster Bullet along the shaft and tip of the penis for a bit of tantalizing teasing time.

Heighten their senses and use a blindfold

Blindfolding your partner can heighten their senses and make their erogenous zones even more sensitive. While they’re blindfolded, stimulate their vulva, labia, shaft, or head with your tongue (or vibrator) and watch the sweet (but intense) sensations take over.

Make eye contact

This one works great for both giving and receiving, helping you connect with your partner (even when your mouth is full!) It’s a massive turn for your partner to look you in the eye when giving you oral sex.

Focus on what matters right then and there

Being present and entirely focused on giving oral is where your passion is almost sure to turn your partner on. Conversely, think about how off-putting it is when someone is going down on you, and their facial expression and body language say, “OK, how much longer do I have to do this?”

We cannot overstate the importance of enthusiasm! If you truly want to turn your partner on, spirit is paramount. Not to mention it sets the tone for both parties to give it their all.

Keep your tongue moistened with mints or chewing gum

Saliva is integral to giving great head… so we totally get the levels of frustration when a case of dry mouth hits! 

If a parched mouth is the bane of your sex life, keep some mints or chewing gum on your bedside table for easy access before getting to sleep (Pretty much almost anything containing “xylitol” can assist in jumpstarting saliva production!) 

 … talking about spit, try deep throating

Going deeper can help you produce more spit, as bizarre as it sounds. How? This method makes your body go into flight or fight mode and tricks your body into gagging. 

(Remember, though, only do this if you’re 100% comfortable with it!)

Get familiar with the Kivin method

Instead of approaching your vulva with the clit at the north end of the oral compass, have your partner lie perpendicularly, so your clit is now in the east or west positions. 

This allows them to lick your clit from the new north to south, or side to side, for what some term a genuinely game-changing oral sensation known as the Kivin method.

Bring in some rear assistance

If your tongue and hands are tired (they work hard all day, we get it!) or even if they aren’t, you can (and should!) bring in some nonhuman help. Use a butt plug or anal beads with your partner’s consent to take your playtime to the next level.

Use your breath

According to Mare Simone, a qualified tantra educator, utilizing your heated breath to stimulate nerve endings is an excellent method to build up excitement before diving in. 

This works as well with fellatio and cunnilingus. Take a step back the next time you’re going down on your partner to breathe on their sensitive bits before making contact. 

The suspense will turn them on in ways you never imagined possible.

Experiment with some gentle prostate play

Did you know that, in addition to internal prostate stimulation via fingering or toys, you can also externally stimulate a prostate? If this doesn’t really sound like your cup of tea and you still need a bit of convincing, check this out.

Also, consider analingus

Rimming, also known as analingus, is the act of pleasuring the anus orally. This can include licking, sucking, kissing, or any other enjoyable act involving oral-to-anal contact.  

As with any oral sex, make sure everything is clean, but other than that, try it out! Many people, regardless of gender or orientation, find this quite pleasurable.

Communication is everything

Talking is simple…and yet some of us find it so difficult to express how we feel! Remember, you can’t read each other’s minds during sex, so speak up if there’s anything you want that they’re not giving you. 

If you’re stuck for words, consider saying something like ‘It’s so hot when you…’ or ‘I’d love it if you’d try….’ Another thing to keep in mind is that your body language speaks volumes. 

Inevitably, your partner WILL know if you don’t want to be going down on them, and that is the greatest mood killer (and possibly the worst thing ever for someone’s self-esteem!)

So, if you decide to head to the land down, make sure you want it. 

And then, make sure you’re ready to show them how much you want it—every. single. time.

Discover your Inner Zen with Mindful Masturbation

First things first, let’s get one small detail out of the way. We all masturbate. Or, to be more precise, an overwhelming 78 percent of us do, according to the TENGA Global Self-Pleasure Report

Masturbation is clearly no longer (and should never be) a sordid sexual secret. It’s an imperative component of one’s emotional and physical well-being, which is why people are excited about a new masturbation fad.

Mindful masturbation is being hailed as the next self-love and self-care trend, which allows you to have more sensual and intense orgasms rather than fast bursts of pleasure.

While having a speedy orgasm is easy, proponents of mindful masturbation say it should be viewed as an art or spiritual activity that requires time and attention. Don’t fret if this all seems a little too kumbaya for you. 

In this article, we’ll discuss all you need to know about mindful masturbation, including its benefits and how to implement and use its magic in your life.

For those unfamiliar with the term, mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment and being aware of your body, feelings, and various senses. It is the habit of becoming mindful and aware, of being present rather than distracted in the current moment.

But this involves taking mindfulness to the next level. Mindful masturbation is precisely what it sounds like: adopting a state of attention and awareness while having sex with yourself. And, while you don’t have to be mindful every time you masturbate (we all have busy lives and stuff to do), you should definitely engage in an occasional ritual of self-love. 

When applied to the way we please ourselves, it may help us go beyond a quickie, helping us develop a deeper connection with ourselves, leading to increased pleasure, improved bodily awareness, and a pleasant way to unwind. Essentially, it is the genuine self-care that we all require.

Mindful masturbation

What are some of the benefits of mindful masturbation?

  • Assists you in unwinding and de-stressing 
  • Increases your sexual confidence 
  • Reduces anxiety 
  • Deepens your pleasure 
  • Nurtures desire 

Spontaneous sex does not always occur; we must create daily rituals that bring everyday moments of sensuality into our lives.

We’re taught that loving yourself is narcissistic, but that’s just nonsense. Working on the connection with yourself is the most significant relationship you can work on. Mindful masturbation with a self-loving, exploring intention can help you feel more in touch with who you are, what you want, what you enjoy, and what you don’t like in the bedroom (and in life).

How do you go about it?

We frequently masturbate with sex toys in the same way, over and over. While this is perfectly fine, if you want to get a little something more out of your sex life, introducing mindful masturbation might be just what you need.

Starting with your hands is the best way to set things off. The next phase is to explore your body more holistically, so instead of focusing just on your vulva and clitoris, begin to explore other erogenous zones from head to toe. 

The objective is to be engaged, allowing yourself to feel every feeling and identifying what feels good and maybe not so good – in the future, this degree of understanding will allow for much better communication, allowing for truly enjoyable coupled sex.

Instead of concentrating solely on achieving the Big O, focus on your pleasure. Removing this objective relieves pressure and allows you to relax deeper into the present.  

Practicing Mindful Masturbation

Keen to deepen the connection with yourself using mindful masturbation? Start slowly, remembering that mindful masturbation is simply the act of slowing down and tuning into your sensations when having solo sex—it doesn’t have to be anything elaborate! Follow these guidelines to get started.

1. Forget orgasming and focus solely on discovery and pleasure.

This may seem a bit weird, seeing that this is probably not how you would typically masturbate – after all, one of the benefits of masturbating in the first place is that you know how to get yourself off. But that isn’t actually the point here! 

Mindful masturbation is intended to help you better understand your body, discover new emotions, and experiment with new ways of pleasing yourself. The ‘objective’ is to be able to claim, “I know my body pretty well. I’m aware of the toys and touches that appeal to me. I’ve spent time with it. I’m satisfied with myself.”

So, instead of aiming for orgasm, try to delay gratification by prolonging the sensation for as long as possible. You can do this by edging (getting close to coming and then resting before trying again) or avoiding the specific type of stimulation that you know gets you off.

2. Create an ambiance to set the tone

Light a few candles, play music or ambient noise to set the scene. Or, at the very least, declutter and open a window for some fresh air. We know this all may seem a bit excessive, but what you’re doing is establishing a comfortable atmosphere to concentrate on the work at hand.

Suppose you don’t have the foggiest clue where to start? Perhaps begin by curating a masturbation playlist comprising music that’s relaxing and gets you in the mood. Also, you may want to consider some sex toys like these.

It might also be a good idea to experiment in places other than on your bed. Try another room or the couch, for example. By changing things up a bit, you can avoid getting into a rut and keep the spark alive – yes, even with yourself!

3. Choose a time when you won’t be interrupted 

Believe it or not, the quickest way to ruin a good mood is having someone bang on your door because you’re a bit (ahem) loud or worse, walk in on you. You may want to schedule some time to spend roughly 30 minutes playing with yourself and enjoying the sensation. That may be a tad longer than your average solo sex session, but you’ll have a lot of ground to cover!

4. Make a point of preparing everything you’ll need ahead of time.

Experiment using toys, lubricants, towels, and so forth. That way, once you’re in the zone, you won’t have to stop and go find supplies. Try sticking to silicone-based lubricant for masturbation because it’s thicker unless you’re using devices that require something water-based.

5. Savor the moment by focussing on the present

Try some relaxation or meditation techniques that aren’t sexual if you’re having trouble focusing and quieting your thoughts. Often, being focused and present at the moment is sometimes easier said than done, so take a few minutes before you begin to bring any anxious or stressed thoughts under control. If you don’t have a go-to strategy, try focusing on your breathing or repeating a mantra.

6. Resist the lure of porn in favor of fantasy 

While listening or watching porn is perfectly acceptable while masturbating, give it a skip for this mindfulness exercise. Your body is less discerning than your mind when it comes to what excites it, so when you watch porn, you’re aroused by that stimulus  — not necessarily by things that genuinely turn you on. Since the whole idea here is to figure out what you enjoy and how your body reacts to it, porn defeats the object.

how to have mindful masturbation

7. Explore all of your erogenous zones 

You might think of it as foreplay to get yourself turned on, but you may also realize that you receive a lot of pleasure from places of your body you don’t regularly stimulate, such as your nipples or stomach. See how each erogenous zone reacts to various sorts of touch. Experiment with different kinds of contact. 

If you’re used to stroking or caressing, try scratching, squeezing, and tickling. That’s not to imply you shouldn’t spend time enjoying your genitals – because you really should! In all likelihood, you’ve probably not thoroughly explored them either, so use your fingers or toys to feel everything going on down there, focusing on any new sensations you uncover as you go along. You can try to orgasm after that if you like, but bonus points if you make it happen in a different way than you generally do.

8. Color your skin

As you explore, visualize your body in your mind, envision each touch or experience as a different color on your skin. Identify each hue so that you can stimulate more or less based on how the touches feel. If colors don’t work for you, envision your body as a heat map and identify where your enjoyment is the greatest.

9. Reflect on the experience

When you’re finished — after an orgasm or whenever you choose — take some time to think about what you’ve learned about your body. Take 15 seconds without touching yourself to reflect on the event thoroughly. Think about the orgasm you just had or the feelings you evoked, identifying the aspects you found more pleasurable so you can draw on them later. 

Then, if you’re up for it, start round two. Or you can simply feel like a rockstar with a stronger and healthier relationship with your body than ever before.

Strength comes from pulling your own strings.

With this practice, no partner is required, and neither is an explanation!

Make the moment about you; you don’t owe anybody anything. Never masturbated? Well, if you’ve got a hand, you’re in for a treat. Allow your thoughts to roam and awaken your deepest desires. Discover your essence and have fun with yourself. 

Go on, you deserve it!

How to Upgrade Your Sex Life Like a Boss This Summer

Spending more time out in the sun can raise the body’s levels of chemicals like serotonin, potentially making it easier to become aroused and stay that way. For some people, the scent of sweat can trigger an animalistic response that makes them want to get steamy and sticky more often, as well. Here are some tips for making the most of all the sexy opportunities summer might bring your way this year and help upgrade your sex life like a boss.

Experiment with temperature play.

When the temperature rises, it only makes sense that staying as cool as possible would be on your mind. So why not let the urge to stay chilly inspire you in the bedroom? Playing with temperature can be an incredible way to discover new sensations and experiment a little, with or without a partner.

Take a favorite toy in a cold-safe material like glass or stainless steel and pop it into the fridge for a few minutes before playtime for a bold, bracing new experience. Alternatively, you can add a cooling lube to your repertoire for even more polar-esque fun.

 

go skinny dipping to upgrade your sex life

Go skinny dipping with your partner.

If you and your partner have access to someplace you can safely and privately skinny dip, there’s no time like summer to take full advantage of it. A private backyard pool definitely does the job, but a remote spot at an out-of-the-way beach or lake might be a good fit, as well. So strip down, enjoy the experience for everything that it is, and let everything else unfold naturally.

Don’t have an outdoor oasis that’s right for skinny dipping in your immediate vicinity? Get creative. An outdoor shower isn’t a bad place to get down and dirty in a pinch. You can take advantage of any gentle summer rain that may happen to fall, as well.

Celebrate National Orgasm Day.

Not only is there such a thing as National Orgasm Day, but it just so happens to fall right smack in the middle of summer – July 31st, to be exact. It’s the perfect excuse to plan something extra naughty and sexy to enjoy with your partner or even on your own.

Try a romantic picnic dinner at the beach or the park. Time it so you’re there at sunset, bring a blanket to cover up with when the temperature drops, and get handsy underneath as you enjoy the beautiful sky full of colors together. Drive out to the middle of nowhere and make out in the car like you’re teenagers. Shop for a new toy together, and use it for the first time to celebrate. If it ends in an orgasm for one or both of you, it’s fair game!

Upgrade your sex life like a boss

Be naked or scantily clad as often as possible.

There’s nothing like the constant sight of a lover’s bare skin to get your pulse racing and inspire the sexiest of thoughts. And there’s nothing like hot sun and rising temperatures to make stripping down to the greatest extent possible sound positively heavenly.

Consider scheduling a lazy naked day at home the next time you’re able to make room in your schedule. Alternatively, you can use the rising mercury as an excuse to go about your day in your underwear, a skimpy bikini, or even your birthday suit. If your partner happens to get an eyeful of you looking scrumptious in the process, so much the better.

Seize a summer opportunity to exchange massages.

Have you ever noticed that summer comes complete with an unusual number of opportunities to give or receive an impromptu massage? Whether you’re helping your lover apply sunscreen to those hard-to-reach areas at the beach or treating an unfortunate sunburn with aloe vera gel a little later on, it’s not unusual for a lot of touching to be going on.

Consider letting an opportunity like that serve as a preview of coming attractions while you’re enjoying a day together. Or use a classic wand vibrator to treat your partner to a soothing muscle massage after a day of fun in the sun, complete with a happy ending. Be creative, and give your hands permission to roam where they may.

Summer is nothing if not a dreamy, sultry time that’s perfect for letting your mind wander and coming up with fun, imaginative new ways to enjoy yourself. Don’t be afraid to come up with some exhilarating scenarios of your own or to encourage your partner to do the same.

5 Great Ways to Get Hot and Bothered (That Aren’t Porn)

Naturally, sex – solo or otherwise – is best when you’re as aroused as possible, but sometimes everyone needs a little help getting to that place. A quick porn clip or two is the usual go-to when it comes right down to it, but even the hottest porn can get stale after a while. It’s also not for everyone or the right fit for every situation.

Thankfully, porn’s not the only option under the sun when it comes to getting hot and bothered in an instant. Here are a few alternatives to try if porn isn’t really your jam or for times when you’re just in the mood for something different.

1.      Try reading some erotica.

If classic porn doesn’t do it for you or you just want a new way to get excited, written erotica makes for a great alternative. It’s also the type of thing many people enjoy just about any time, whether you’re looking to get aroused right that second or not.

There’s so much out there to choose from, including red hot short fiction you can get through in a few minutes to complete erotic novels that provide a more extended, richer experience. Try a few different formats on for size until you figure out what you like most.

2.      Hang out in a chat room.

Not everyone gets super turned on just by watching other people get hot and heavy with one another. Some people really crave something interactive that lets them play a part in what’s going on, so to speak. Chat rooms may seem old school, but they’re definitely still out there and can be a lot of fun.

Some chat sites match you randomly with someone who could be located anywhere in the world. Others let you make more targeted choices. All come without the pressure of having to think about meeting in real life. Instead, you can just enjoy one another for a few moments and then move on with your life.

3.      Write about your fantasies.

If you enjoy journaling or any other form of writing, you might find you enjoy writing about your fantasies. The process can be incredibly arousing, as well as an effective way to get better acquainted with some of the things that turn you on. You wouldn’t be the first person who discovered a new kink or pet fantasy via a little creative writing.

Consider starting an erotic journal for your eyes only to record sexy dreams, explore pet fantasies, and more. Later on, if you decide you’re comfortable, you may want to consider sharing some of what you’ve written with a partner or at least bringing up some of the fantasies for discussion.

4.      Enjoy some ultra-indulgent tub time.

Sometimes it’s not a lack of stimulation that’s getting in the way of deep arousal. If you’re always busy or struggling to keep up with a packed schedule, what you may really need is some time spent unwinding. A long, hot soak in the tub may be just the thing to do with a free evening sometime soon.

Make sure you go the whole nine yards and include everything you enjoy. Use luxury bath oil or bubble bath in a heady, luscious scent you love. Play your favorite music and pour yourself a glass of wine. Relax, unwind, and let your mind wander. If you like, you can even bring your favorite waterproof toy along for the ride in case you find yourself in the mood.

5.      Partake in some steamy talk with your partner.

If you’re not shy about initiating some spicy conversation with your partner, it can be a great way to get in the mood and make sex extra hot. Start by whispering a little something in their ear after kissing them goodbye in the morning. Then keep the conversation going all day long while you’re apart over text or instant message.

How sexy you get is up to the two of you, but the naughtier, the better. Type out something titillating you’d like to try together later. Send them a smoking hot selfie that reveals a little peek of your lingerie of the day or otherwise gives your partner something to look forward to when it’s time to come back together at the end of the day. Being aroused enough won’t be a problem for either of you.

There’s no one right way to jumpstart your libido and get in the mood. Porn may feel like it’s everyone else’s go-to method, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be yours. And, of course, you can and should switch things up as often and as thoroughly as you like. Try a few new options on for size, and see what works for you!

6 Ways to Push Your Sexual Boundaries

Never make the mistake of thinking you and your partner need to be suffering through a dry spell or stuck in a rut to benefit from a bit of experimentation. Sex is an integral part of staying connected in any relationship. Making it a point to try new things once in a while keeps things fun, fresh, and red hot.

It doesn’t necessarily take a dramatic change for you to reap the benefits, either. The following are some practical but approachable ways to push your sexual boundaries and add a little oomph to your love play.

1.      Take turns exploring each other’s fantasies.

If you’re not sure where to start, this is an excellent place. Confessing a pet fantasy to a partner and listening to them do the same is an incredible way to build intimacy. It’s also a huge turn-on, especially if these are things, you’d typically keep to yourselves.

Declare a “no judgment” zone to keep things comfortable, and then take turns swapping fantasies. Make a list of the ones you’re both open to trying. Come back to it when you’re in the mood to be a little naughty or are in the mood to surprise a partner with a treat.

2.      Try some backdoor play on for size.

Anal play is already on the menu for lots of couples, but if you’re an exception, it’s something well worth considering. Your backdoor is packed with sensitive nerve endings that feel amazing when stimulated just right, and that goes for your partner, too.

If you’re comfortable trying full-on anal sex, more power to you, but keep in mind that there’s more to butt play than that. Anal toys or even your fingers are just as capable of introducing you to the magic. Just make sure you use plenty of lube if you’re planning anything penetrative.

3.      Start a shared toy collection.

Vibrators and other sex toys are, of course, phenomenal when enjoyed alone, but they can be just as world-changing when brought into the bedroom to use with a partner. Start with what you already have, experiment a little, and see how you like it.

If all goes well, consider starting a toy chest for the two of you to dip into whenever the mood strikes. Fill it with a wide variety of different options, and take turns suggesting new additions. Doing the actual shopping together can be super-hot, as well, so consider making it a team effort.

4.      Indulge your inner exhibitionist.

Although you definitely want to be careful not to get caught, getting a little naughty in public now and again is a great way to make sex more exciting. Thankfully, you don’t have to do anything too high-risk to get a real thrill out of the experience.

Drive to an out-of-the-way place, and channel your inner teenagers by having sex in the car. Experiment with a discreet remote-controlled sex toy one of you can wear and the other can operate without anyone nearby being any the wiser. Get frisky in your backyard or on your balcony after dark. Be as creative as you like! Your sex life will thank you for it.

5.      Schedule a “no clothes allowed” day.

Being naked is one of life’s simplest and most drastically underrated pleasures. Not only is it pretty freeing to spend a little time in your birthday suit now and then, but being naked with a partner is just plain sexy. The two of you get to drink up the sight of one another, as well as the feeling of each other’s skin, without necessarily having sex the whole time.

Try planning an all-day nude fest for a day you’re both free and can be sure you’ll have the place all to yourselves. Have sex as often as you like, and have fun hanging out in the nude the rest of the time. It’s so much fun.

6.      Dabble in some mild BDSM play.

You don’t need to go all-out with whips, chains, and the whole nine yards to get a jolt out of what BDSM brings to the table. Experimenting with concepts like submission, domination, role reversal, and orgasm denial isn’t just fun. It’s a terrific way to push your sexual boundaries together and discover some new scenarios you might both be really into.

Light spankings, temperature play, blindfolding, and mild restraint are all great places to start, especially if one or both of you are new to BDSM. Don’t ever spring something like this on your partner without discussing it beforehand, though. Consent is sexy, as well as an essential part of responsible BDSM play.

However, you and your partner choose to stay connected, a little sexual boundary pushing goes a really long way. Start as small as you like, and revisit the idea as often as you’re moved to!

How Can You Tell If You’re Good in Bed?

If you’re sexually active, then it’s probably pretty safe to assume you hope you’re good in bed. After all, everyone wants to be the kind of person who leaves a lover hungry for more and stays on a person’s mind long after an encounter is over. There are many people out there who aren’t so hot at sex, though, and it’s not like most partners are going to tell someone if that’s the case.

So, how can you tell whether you’re really the sexual dynamo you hope you are? It’s easier than you think. You just have to know how to go about looking for answers. Here’s a closer look at how you can tell whether you’re knocking it out of the park in the bedroom in general.

You’re super confident.

This is one thing every person who’s excellent in bed has in common. They’re confident to the bone. They also know that being great in bed isn’t necessarily about having a flawless gym body or being model-gorgeous. It’s about never second-guessing yourself and always going into sex, assuming you’re going to be awesome.

The interesting thing about confidence is that when you believe in your own abilities, other people tend to believe in them, too. Work on your body image and any hang-ups you may have about your physique or about sex. Cultivate a healthy sense of self-love. You’ll be where you want to be before you know it.

You’re a great communicator.

People who are good in bed genuinely enjoy sex. They love establishing that connection with another person, and they can’t get enough of how good sex feels. They not only know what they like in bed, but they’re comfortable communicating it to their partner. They understand that excellent communication is a two-way street, as well, so they’re just as terrific at listening to their lovers.

If you don’t already know your way around your body and understand what types of stimulation bring you the most pleasure, it’s time to find out. Buy an outstanding quality vibrator, and spend some time experimenting. Then get vocal and let your partner know exactly how you like it.

You love everything about sex from start to finish.

As incredible as a seriously toe-curling orgasm can be, great sex is about more than just that big finish. People who are great in bed savor every step of the journey along the way. They love the tension that comes with craving someone and flirting up a storm. They love undressing themselves and their lover. They love basking in the glow of the things they’ve just done when it’s all over, as well.

People who are great lays aren’t in any rush to reach the finish line. They take their time and appreciate every little grunt, groan, caress, and kiss along the way. They like long, lush marathon love sessions, quickies, and everything in between, as well.

You love making your partner feel good.

While enjoying sex yourself and making sure you walk away satisfied is essential, so is paying attention to your partner. People who are fantastic in bed go out of their way to learn what does it for the other person. They also understand that no two people or bodies are exactly alike, so they don’t simply assume that what worked for their ex will get the job done for someone new.

Great sex partners are also respectful of their partners’ boundaries. They care about the other person’s feelings and are loving and patient. They’re considerate when they’re not in the mood or just not into something new they may have tried. They never force the issue or try to pressure someone into doing something they don’t want.

You’re open to trying new things.

People who are good in bed are masters of variety, and they know how important it is to keep things fresh in the bedroom. They’re always open to trying new things or thinking outside the box, whether that means exploring lots of new positions, roleplaying, or trying out new sex toys together every once in a while.

Sexual dynamos don’t just love sex. They’re curious about it and always looking for ways to make it even better. So, don’t let yourself get set in your ways and stick with the same old things just because they work. Share fantasies with your partner and encourage them to share, as well. Alternate between planning for luxurious love sessions and being spontaneous. Experiment with new positions, locations, and techniques.

Although it’s never possible to be 100 percent certain that you’re great in bed, especially when “good in bed” is such a relative concept anyway, you’re on the right track if you’re genuinely in love with sex. Never stop looking for ways to love it even more. You’ll be better for it.

How to Get Comfortable Talking to Your Partner About Sex

At this point, everyone knows they should be comfortable talking to their partner about sex, especially if they’re married or otherwise in a long-term committed relationship. The truth is, though, that it’s often easier to want to do it than it is to open your mouth and start a real conversation.

Some people are shy or were brought up to see sex as something you never talk about. Others just aren’t sure how to get started or bring up something difficult. But thankfully, making sex a regular conversation topic between you and your partner is definitely possible with a bit of practice and the right approach. Here’s how you can start the process.

Don’t leave talking about sex up to your partner.

Many people who want to talk to their partner about sex simply assume that their partners are on the same page. They then take a passive approach to the topic and wait for the other person to bring it up so they don’t have to. Your partner can’t read your mind in actuality, and they may well not realize you want to be more open about sex.

Even if it’s hard, it’s essential to be brave enough to start the conversation yourself. Of course, it’s best to establish a habit of talking about sex early on in a relationship, but it’s also important to realize that it’s never too late to start. Remember that you don’t have to leap headfirst into graphic discussions about your most taboo fetishes right off the bat. Start with something more approachable like consent or birth control, and take it from there.

Know what you want out of the conversation.

Before you can open a productive dialogue about sex, it’s important to be clear on what you want to come of it. That means knowing yourself and understanding yourself sexually. What triggered the desire to open up a discussion? Is there something you’re not getting from your partner that you’d like to ask for? Are you hoping to build intimacy with your partner?

Take some time to really think about what you’d like to go over when you do sit down to talk. Possible talking points include ways your sex life might not be as satisfying for you as you’d like it to be. You may want to talk about your fantasies or hear your partner talk about theirs. Maybe there’s a physical issue you’d like to talk about. Write it down beforehand if it makes it easier to get clear on a few things.

Keep things as positive as possible.

Many of the reasons people want to talk to their partner about sex have to do with wanting to pursue something they need but aren’t getting. That can make it all too easy to come at the topic from a negative angle that can put their partner on the defensive. Instead, you want to lead with a positive and be sensitive to your partner’s feelings. Think about how you’d like your partner to approach you if the shoe were on the other foot.

  • If you need to discuss something that may be taken as a criticism, open by commenting on something you adore about how your partner makes love.
  • Make “I” statements, as opposed to “you” ones. For example, say “I’d love to try this with you,” as opposed to “you never do this.” It helps avoid the implication that you blame your partner for what’s wrong.
  • Be kind, but be clear, as well. You won’t make any progress if you don’t make yourself understood.

Bring your partner in on the discussion.

Although it’s important to address whatever your concerns or desires may be, don’t forget that conversations involve two people and two points of view. Yes, you should talk, but you’ll want to listen, as well. Really listen, instead of simply thinking about what you want to say next while your partner is talking.

Then ask questions to get a better idea of where your partner is coming from. Encourage them to ask you any questions they might have, as well. The more sensitive the topic, the more critical it becomes that both of you actively listen to one another.

Take responsibility for your own sexual pleasure.

Many bedroom issues, performance anxiety included, stem from the notion that an orgasm is something you give your partner (or vice versa.) In reality, your pleasure is something you’re responsible for and choosing to share with your partner.

In the interests of knowing yourselves better, each of you should be spending some solo time where you focus solely on yourselves. Experiment with sex toys, learn what you like, and then come back together to discuss your discoveries. Don’t worry if it feels a little awkward at first. In time, it will become much more natural. Practice makes perfect!

How to Bring Your Sex Toy and Your Partner Together

There are lots of ways to make sex with your partner even hotter than it already is, but adding a sex toy to the mix is definitely one of the most powerful. A toy brings a variety of unique sensations to the table for both of you. It also takes a lot of the guesswork out of having as many orgasms as you want, so you can focus on what really counts – each other.

However, knowing you’d like to get your partner and your favorite vibrator in the same room, making beautiful music together, is one thing. Figuring out how to do that without things getting awkward is another matter entirely. Here are a few practical things to keep in mind to make sure things go as smoothly as possible.

Overcoming Potential Fears or Reservations

For most people, the big fear when bringing up the possibility of using a sex toy in the bedroom is that their partner will feel replaced or upstaged somehow. In most cases, there’s nothing to worry about. Your partner might be more knowledgeable and open-minded than you think when it comes to sex toys and the reasons why someone might want to bring one into the bedroom.

However, if you’re still concerned, simply assure your partner that there’s no such thing as a replacement for a loving experience with a living, breathing partner. Even the fanciest vibrator can’t kiss you, touch, you, or connect with you the way another person can. A toy is merely a tool that can help enhance that connection.

Bringing Up the Subject

When you and your partner talk about sex, what’s the specific context? Ideally, sex isn’t just something you talk about when there’s a problem that needs addressing. It should be something you talk about freely, often, and in as positive a context as possible. Getting into the habit of letting your partner know when they’ve really pleased you is always worthwhile.

When it comes to making sexual requests, it helps to lead with a positive. Tell your partner how much you loved something they did the last time you were intimate. Then bring up the topic of the toy and mention how much you’d love using it with them. And simply be honest about whatever it is you’re feeling. If the topic makes you feel shy, excited, curious, or something else entirely, share that.

Choosing the Right Sex Toy for the Job

If both of you like the idea of starting with a go-to toy you already have, that’s perfectly okay. However, sex toys are far from one-size-fits-all. Take some time to discuss the types of sensations you each like best and would most enjoy exploring together via a toy. Are you guys all about oral or mutual masturbation? Is penetrative sex an absolute must when you’re intimate together?

If you, your partner, or both of you are brand new to using sex toys as a couple, you may find it most comfortable to integrate a toy into whatever you already enjoy doing together. If you’re into penetrative sex, a small, wearable toy like a cock ring might be a good choice. If you like the idea of using a toy for external stimulation, try something small and versatile that lets you thoroughly explore the possibilities – like a bullet vibrator or a vibrating egg.

Picking out a new toy together can be a great way to bond with a partner, as well as help them feel involved in what’s going on if they’re nervous about the idea. Log onto your favorite online sex shop and look through the offerings. Take turns pointing out items you think would be fun to try, pick out one or two favorites, and enjoy the anticipation that comes with waiting for your order to arrive.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Talking about what you’re doing together before you get started is undoubtedly essential. However, the lines of communication should stay open while you play, as well. If something feels good, let your partner know and encourage them to do the same. Spelling things out with words is fine, but sometimes moans, gasps, and other sounds of pleasure do just as well.

When you’re done, keep talking. Did you both enjoy what happened, and are you down for trying it again sometime? Go over what you each liked most about the experience. Ask each other what you’d like to try differently the next time you play with a sex toy. As you add to your collective experience, try different positions on for size. Add to your toy collection, always keep touching base with one another, and talk about what you’ve been doing.

The more you talk about sex and the more new things you try, the better and deeper your sexual relationship with your partner will become. Explore the possibilities, and enjoy the journey!

Sex Toys as Gifts 101: Good Idea or Disaster Waiting to Happen?

If you’re like most people, you agonize over what to get the special people in your life when it’s gift-giving time. However, you probably don’t think of a sex toy when you picture the perfect gift option, and that’s where you’re wrong.

For the right recipient and occasion, a sex toy is a genuinely terrific gift idea for many reasons, but there’s a fine art to getting it right. Here’s a closer look at everything you need to know to do exactly that.

Why Give a Sex Toy as a Gift?

While sex toys can still make great gag gifts for your favorite bride-to-be at her bachelorette party, that’s no longer the only appropriate scenario for giving one. In recent years, both men and women alike have become increasingly comfortable with the idea of receiving such a gift from someone like a partner or a close friend. So, why should you consider gifting one?

Think back to how uncertain you felt when you were thinking about buying your first sex toy. It’s not always easy for someone to take that first step, and receiving a toy as a gift removes a lot of that pressure. A growing number of women, in particular, report having received their first vibrator from a friend. Consider the possibility that you could help a friend take ownership of her own pleasure for the first time in her life.

If you’re buying for a partner, there are even more benefits to consider. A sex toy opens up a whole new world of possibilities both for them as an individual and for the two of you as a couple. Sex toys are beautiful ways to stay connected when you’re apart, as well – a considerable benefit here in the age of COVID.

The Dos and Don’ts of Gifting a Sex Toy

Of course, realizing a sex toy might indeed be the right gift for someone on your list is one thing. Making sure the gift will be received in the spirit intended is another. Here are a few dos and don’ts to consider first to make sure your experience is a positive one for both you and your gift recipient.

DON’T make the toy a complete surprise.

A vibrator or other sex toy should never be a surprise coming entirely out of left field when you give it as a gift. It should be something that makes sense because the two of you have already shared plenty of frank, open conversation on the topic. If you’ve never had such a discussion and need to bring up the subject, try introducing it as something you read about or were talking about with another friend.

DO keep it simple when it comes to your choice.

There’s an entire multitude of choices to pick from when it comes to sex toys these days, so you’ll have your work cut out for you. However, unless you have good reason to believe the recipient of your gift really would like a massive 14-inch vibrating dildo that comes complete with every possible bell and whistle, keep things simple.

Size-wise, go for something on the manageable side, like the Lola G. Bigger isn’t always better, especially when someone’s brand new to using sex toys altogether. Go for a quality toy that will get the job done right, but opt for one with basic features anyone would like and be comfortable with. Neutral colors and non-representational shapes are generally good ideas, as well.

DON’T present it as a gag gift.

There are many situations where injecting a little humor into the mix is an excellent idea for easing any potential discomfort. This is not one of them. Presenting a sex toy as something embarrassing, silly, or icky – even in jest – only reinforces negative stereotypes surrounding their use. Present your gift in a fun, lighthearted manner, but don’t make fun of it or turn it into a joke.

DO give it privately.

Although sex toy use is definitely nothing to be ashamed of, it’s still a very private matter and should be treated with care. No one wants the experience of unwrapping a vibrator in front of their parents and children on Christmas morning, in public at a crowded restaurant, or – heaven forbid – at work. Instead, pull the person aside to receive their gift so they can enjoy the experience and really check out their new toy.

For the most part, it’s a good idea to trust your instincts when it comes to giving a sex toy as a gift. If something doesn’t seem like a good idea, err on the side of caution and don’t go about it that way. And when in doubt, it never hurts to get communicative and ask! You’re both likely to be glad you did.

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