We all have that one fantasy. You know, the one that’s incredibly hot but also makes you think ...is it weird that I'm into this?
Welcome to the world of taboo fantasies! Whether it’s thoughts of BDSM, a threesome, or something you can't quite put a name to, you're not alone. Our fantasies are our brain's private playground, and what happens there is just for you.
But why are the "forbidden" things so exciting? We're going to break down what a taboo fantasy is, why so many of us have them, and how to think about them in a way that's healthy, fun, and shame-free.
The most important thing to remember? Having a fantasy is NOT the same as wanting to do it in real life. "It’s normal to have fantasies that you would never act on in real life," says Angie Rowntree, founder of Sssh.com. "A fantasy should never be confused with an 'obligation,' much less reality."
What is a taboo fantasy, really?
So, what makes a fantasy "taboo"? It's not a set list. "What makes a fantasy considered taboo is ultimately subjective and down to an individual’s personal or cultural bias," says Rowntree. "Historically, 'taboos' have been related to broader social or religious customs... Toss sexuality into the mix and 'taboo talk' can be downright combustible."
A taboo is basically anything that pushes against a social or cultural boundary. These are the "rules" — often unwritten — that we're taught by our culture, religion, or upbringing that we're not supposed to break. Most of us just got the "scary" version of sex ed, which was all about warnings and what not to do, with zero talk about pleasure or what actually feels good.
A "taboo fantasy" is any fantasy that plays with those forbidden ideas. And it's often that "forbidden" part that makes it so exciting.
Why are we so drawn to taboo fantasies?
If we're taught these things are "bad," why do our brains find them so hot? It's all about that delicious thrill.
- It's exciting: "There’s no rush quite like the adrenaline or dopamine payout from tasting the 'forbidden fruit'…or sneaking into the proverbial garden at night," says Rowntree.
- It's a safe escape: Fantasies give you the opportunity to explore power, submission, or scenarios that are outside of the societal norm, all without any real-world risk. "People can be drawn to things that feel 'forbidden' but sometimes imagination is more than enough," says Rowntree.
- It's human: "Having fantasies of all kinds is simply part of being human," Rowntree adds. "Our brains use fantasy as a tool to escape or vent — and no one’s fantasies are 100% politically correct either."
How common are taboo sexual fantasies? (Spoiler: Very)
"Does life imitate porn, or does porn imitate life? We often ask (and laugh about) this question," says Rowntree. She notes that in the U.S., "May-December romance is the hot taboo... followed closely by BDSM themes, or cuckoldry."
Research from Justin Lehmiller, Kinsey Institute Senior Research Fellow and host of the Sex and Psychology Podcast, backs this up with hard numbers. Here are some of the most common fantasy categories:
- Multipartner sex: Yep, threesomes, orgies, you name it. These fantasies are so common that one study found only 5% of men and 13% of women had never had one.
- Power and control (BDSM): Fantasies about power dynamics are extremely common. The research showed that only 7% of men and 4% of women had never had a fantasy involving BDSM.
- Novelty and adventure: This is a major category that includes fantasizing about sex in new, unique, or public/semi-public settings.
- Non-monogamy: Thinking about an open relationship is common, but the specifics are interesting. One study found that 58% of men fantasized about cuckolding (watching their partner have sex with someone else), while 33% of women did.
- Same-sex fantasies: Another study found that 59% of exclusively straight women and 26% of exclusively straight men had a same-sex fantasy.
How to Explore Your Fantasies Safely (and Sanely)
Okay, so your fantasies are normal. Now what? Here's the breakdown on how to handle them.
1. Remember: Fantasy is not reality.
We're repeating this because it's the most important rule. "It is totally fine to keep your wildest fantasies as exactly that: fantasy," Rowntree says. You don't have to act on a fantasy for it to be valid or enjoyable. Fantasies are about your mind, not your to-do list.
2. Want to talk about Ii? Be curious, not judgmental.
Thinking about sharing a fantasy with a partner? It can be scary. Our erotic minds are sensitive, and if we sense judgment, we shut down.
The key is "approaching the topic with curiosity rather than judgment," says Rowntree. Don't present it as a demand. Try something like, "I had a really interesting thought the other day..." or "What do you think about...?"
3. Want to act on it? Safety first.
If you both decide you want to try something, Rowntree's advice is law: "First: It’s important to make sure your fantasies are in fact safe, sane, legal, and fully consensual in the first place. If any of those elements are missing, STOP — do not pass Go, period."
4. If it bothers you, talk to a pro.
If a fantasy is causing you real distress or anxiety, it's a great idea to talk to a professional. "If you ever feel distressed or anxious about your fantasies–or anything else related to sex–please speak to a professional," Rowntree advises.
Taboo Fantasy FAQs
What's the most common taboo fantasy?
While it's subjective, research shows that multi-partner sex (like threesomes) is the most common fantasy. BDSM, power play, and novelty are also extremely common.
Is it bad or weird to have taboo fantasies?
Not at all! Having fantasies of all kinds is a normal part of being human. As long as you remember the difference between fantasy and reality — and you're not causing harm to anyone — your fantasies are a safe and healthy part of your sexuality.
How do I talk to my partner about my fantasies?
The best way is to be open and "approach the topic with curiosity rather than judgment." Don't present it as a demand. Our minds are sensitive, and if we sense judgment, we shut down. Try starting with, "I'm curious what you think about..." or "I had a fantasy the other day, would you be open to hearing about it?"