It’s 6 p.m. Your date is at 8. Your nervous energy is enough to power a small city. You’re pacing, you’re overthinking, and suddenly, a thought pops into your head: Should I just... take care of this myself?
The short answer? It depends on your goal. Are you trying to last longer, calm down, or wake up a sleepy sex drive? We asked the experts to break down the strategy behind the pre-date wank.
Does masturbating help you last longer?
If you (or your partner) tend to cross the finish line a little faster than you’d like, a solo session beforehand is a solid strategy. It’s basic biology: the "refractory period" is the recovery time your body needs between orgasms. By reaching that first peak on your own, you naturally delay the second one.
"If someone struggles with premature ejaculation (or premature orgasm, which also occurs in women), having an orgasm before a date will likely make you last longer on the date," says Suzannah Weiss, a sex therapist and resident sexologist for Fleshy.
Courtney Boyer, a clinical sex and relationship expert, agrees, noting that masturbating earlier can "lower baseline arousal and increase stamina." Basically, you’re taking the edge off, so you aren't at a 10/10 level of excitement the moment clothes come off.
Pro Tip: Don't cut it too close. "Masturbating too close (that time is variable but usually within 15 minutes) to sex can make finishing harder," Boyer warns. Give yourself a buffer.
Can masturbation reduce sexual anxiety?
If pre-date jitters have you spiraling, an orgasm is nature’s chill pill. It floods your brain with dopamine and oxytocin, which lowers your cortisol levels (stress) almost instantly.
"Yes, most people are much more relaxed and less in their heads while in states of high sexual arousal," Weiss explains. If you tend to overthink during sex ("Does my hair look weird? Is this the right angle?"), a pre-game session can quiet that internal monologue.
Lilith Foxx, a board-certified sexologist, adds that for people who get stuck in their heads, "it can make it easier to be present and embodied with a partner" by quieting intrusive thoughts.
Can a solo session boost your libido?
Feeling "meh" about going out? Ironically, the best cure might be... sex. (Solo sex, that is). This utilizes "responsive desire" — sometimes you have to start the car to realize you want to drive.
"For people who struggle to get in the mood, solo touch can help the body remember what arousal feels like," says Avi Anderson, a therapist at Avi Anderson Therapy. It increases blood flow and gets your nervous system online.
This is what Karen Bigman, a certified sex educator, calls a "gentle warm-up" that "wakes up nerve endings." But she warns against rushing: "If masturbation is rushed or goal-oriented, it can backfire... Intention matters here."
How long before sex should you masturbate?
If there's one thing all our experts agreed on, it’s that when you do it matters. Do it too early, and the effect wears off. Do it too late, and you might be too sensitive (or too satisfied) to engage.
"Timing 100% matters because of the refractory period," Bigman says. "I suggest one to three hours beforehand... This will leave your body relaxed, but give your sexual response system enough time to rebound."
Foxx agrees, noting that an hour or two allows the body to reset "while still benefiting from reduced anxiety."
Myth: 'Will using a vibrator make sex feel boring?'
We hear this worry a lot, but here's the reality: A vibrator is a machine; a partner is a human experience. "A toy doesn't replace a partner because both offer very different things! At the end of the day, one is a machine, and one is a human being," certified sex educator, Byrd Aruna, tells FemmeFunn.
However, Weiss notes that "your clitoris will be over-stimulated after using a powerful toy," so it might be harder to orgasm clitorally again immediately.
The Fix: "You can bring the vibrator into the bedroom," Weiss suggests. Or, as Aruna advises, use "integration: mixing toy use with hands, mouths, and communication." (Looking for a vibe small enough to pop in your purse? Check out our mini vibes!)
FAQ: The Pre-Sex Solo Sesh
Will I "use up" my sex drive if I masturbate beforehand? +
Nope. "Libido is not a finite resource that gets used up," says Foxx. For many people, solo pleasure actually keeps the system active and responsive.
Does this work for premature ejaculation? +
Yes. Weiss confirms that having an orgasm before a date will "likely make you last longer." Just make sure to leave a buffer of time so you aren't in the refractory period during the date.
What if I can't finish with my partner afterwards? +
That's okay! Aruna reminds us: "You are not a failure if you do not finish during partnered sex. As long as you and your partner enjoyed the experience... that is the measure of success."