Everyone knows they should be comfortable talking to their partner about sex, especially in a long-term relationship. The truth is, though, it’s often easier to want to do it than it is to actually open your mouth and start a real conversation. Some of us are shy, while others just aren’t sure how to begin. But making sex a regular conversation topic is possible with a bit of practice and the right approach. Here’s how you can start the process.
Why is talking about sex so hard (but so important)?
Many of us were brought up to see sex as something you just don't talk about. That shame can follow us into our adult relationships, making us feel vulnerable or awkward when we try to speak up. But here's the secret: communication is the single most important ingredient for a great sex life. Talking about sex leads to better orgasms, deeper intimacy, and a stronger connection with your partner.
How to talk about sex: a 5-step guide
If you're ready to open up the lines of communication, this simple guide can help you navigate the conversation with confidence.
Step 1: Take the initiative (don’t wait for them)
Many people wait for their partner to bring up sex, assuming they're on the same page. But your partner can’t read your mind. Even if it feels hard, it’s essential to be brave enough to start the conversation yourself. You don’t have to leap into a graphic discussion right away. Start with something approachable, like consent or what feels good, and take it from there.
Step 2: Know what you want out of the conversation
Before you talk, take some time to think about what you want to achieve. What triggered your desire to have this discussion? Is there something you’d like to ask for? Are you hoping to build more intimacy? Think about your talking points. Maybe you want to talk about fantasies, address a physical issue, or discuss ways your sex life could be more satisfying. Writing it down beforehand can help you get clear on your thoughts.
Step 3: Keep the conversation positive
Often, the desire to talk about sex comes from something that's missing. This can make it easy to come at the topic from a negative angle, which can put your partner on the defensive. Instead, lead with a positive. Try starting with something you adore about your sex life together. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements — for example, say “I’d love to try this with you,” instead of “You never do this.” Be kind, but be clear.
Step 4: Make it a dialogue, not a monologue
A conversation involves two people. It’s important to address your own desires, but don’t forget to listen. Really listen, instead of just thinking about what you want to say next. Ask questions to get a better idea of where your partner is coming from, and encourage them to ask you questions as well. The more sensitive the topic, the more critical it is that you both feel heard.
Step 5: Take responsibility for your own pleasure
Your pleasure is your own responsibility, which you then choose to share with a partner. Part of learning how to talk about sex is first understanding yourself. Spend some solo time focusing on your own body. Experiment with sex toys to learn what you like, and then come back to your partner to share your discoveries. A simple toy like the Ultra Bullet can be a great tool for self-exploration. Don’t worry if it feels a little awkward at first — in time, it will become much more natural.
Talking about sex is a skill, and like any skill, it gets easier with practice. It’s one of the most powerful things you can do for your relationship and your own pleasure. The more you do it, the more natural it will become, and the better your sex life will be.