Sexual dry spells happen to even the most passionate people, and they’re nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes you’re okay with riding it out, but what about the times you’re not? How can you tell when a simple slump has crossed over into full-blown sexual frustration, and what should you do about it?
If you're feeling this way, you're not alone. Let's break down what sexual frustration really is, how to spot it, and how to get your groove back.
What is sexual frustration, really?
Sexual frustration is the feeling of distress, annoyance, or restlessness caused by a gap between the sex life you desire and the one you actually have. It's not just about how often you're having sex (or not having it). You can be sexually active and still feel frustrated if the sex you're having isn't satisfying your physical or emotional needs. It’s a basic biological need, so it’s understandable that you’d be cranky if that need isn’t being met.
What are the signs of sexual frustration?
Sexual frustration shows up differently for everyone, but here are a few common signs that it might be what you're dealing with.
You’ve just given up on sex
This can look like resigning yourself to being "too busy" or "too old" for sex. It can also disguise itself as faux empowerment, with thoughts like, “I don’t need sex to feel good about myself.” While true, most people are sexual beings and need a healthy sex life to feel whole. A thought pattern that involves giving up on sex altogether is a definite red flag.
You feel jealous of other people’s sex lives
Even if you’re not normally the jealous type, sexual frustration can wake up the green-eyed monster. If you find yourself feeling uncharacteristically annoyed or disgusted by friends who have active romantic lives, your own frustration could be the cause.
The sex you’re having is unsatisfying
It's entirely possible to be sexually frustrated while still having sex regularly. If the sex you’re having feels boring, disconnected, or like a chore to the point where you’d rather not bother, there's a good chance sexual frustration is part of the equation.
You feel angry or restless all the time
Chronic frustration of any kind can leave you feeling wound up and emotionally volatile. If your sex life — or lack thereof — has left you feeling over-sensitive, irritable, or like you’re ready to snap (or cry) over the smallest thing, it could be time to take action.
How to deal with sexual frustration
Thankfully, managing that "ants in the pants" feeling is easier than you think. These tips can help you relieve the tension and get back to feeling like your sexy self again.
1. Prioritize your solo sessions
Rebooting your masturbation routine can help on multiple levels. There’s the obvious release of a seriously toe-curling orgasm, but putting more thought into your solo time can also teach you more about your pleasure. Try treating yourself to a new vibrator to introduce new sensations. A toy with a unique motion, like the rotating Rora, can help you get excited about being sexual again.
2. Focus on your own arousal
Getting back in touch with your sexual side is about more than just physical touch — arousal starts in the mind. Make sure you’re taking time for the little routines that help you feel sexy and desirable. This could be doing your makeup, putting on your favorite lingerie just because, or taking the time to read some erotica.
3. Talk it out
Communication can be an incredible release. If you have a partner, talk to them about what’s going on so they understand it’s not their fault. If you're single, venting to friends who have been there can be a huge help. And if the frustration feels overwhelming, talking to a sex therapist is an empowering and effective option.
Dealing with sexual frustration is a valid and important part of your overall well-being. The first step is recognizing it without judgment. From there, be patient with yourself, prioritize your own pleasure, and don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. You’ll have your groove back before you know it.